I'm not quite sure why or how it  happens, but I seem to be a magnet for manipulative and dishonest people.

Again I've allowed myself to be suckered in and am growing to be tired of it. All I want from a person is to be honest, upfront and NO FUCKING BULLSHIT! Is it really so much to ask? I have a sign on me somewhere that says "yes, please take advantage of the fact that I'm easily lured, and will probably sacrifice something close to me just to feel like someone cares about me, so please, come on in, take what you want, and just leave me standing here looking like a fool again"

So, back to my own little shell again, I don't need you, and I don't need anyone, I'm living here on my own, on the other side of the world from anyone who I would call friends or family, and I'm starting to get used to being on my own.

And I don't care if you read this or not. You haven't hurt me, just disappointed me, I had thought and hoped you were someone you weren't

Been a busy week as always, strange, but coping on most levels.

Work has calmed down for a week or two, which is nice. it was good to have a day yesterday which I could do a little office work, which was badly required.

Outside of work, things have been going well. I wouldn't describe myself as "seeing someone" yet, but at least I know there's a mutual interest of sorts. Trying to just keep my feet on the ground, and staying relaxed about it all.

Asides from that, not really a lot happening, could possibly buy a real bed soon, which will be awesome :)

One aspect of swedish life that I found very difficult to deal with, and even two years later, is the way Swedish schools conduct themselves, especially universities (högskolans). The system that högskolans use here in Sweden is somewhat strange, and quite poorly organised. I guess my experience is limited to Halmstad, which admittedly is ranked as one of the poorest schools in Sweden.

When you arrive at the school, and register, the school is not open very often in the weeks leading up to the first day, so orientating yourself to the school outside of the silly groups that they sort out (of which I didn't fit into any, because I was not taking an entire course, just swedish papers) is near on impossible. Not to mention I only got my letter of acceptance 2 weeks after the course started.

So, with administration horrors aside (and I have heard worse stories), I begin the classes, which were, quite sadly, similar to SFI (Komvux, which is the organisation that takes care of Swedish for Immigrants). Once the alphabet was mastered (by maybe 3 people in the class), did the classes proceed to be slow, and poorly done. Credit to the teacher for keeping it interesting, but with only one class a week, and no following up, until the exam, was it impossible to gauge the progress of the students, to cover problem areas, and to improve the overall learning of the students.

The paper requires two classes every week, one lecture, and one group meeting, where maybe 10 people meet, discuss the classes, with some structure naturally, and this way the students learn more, and can understand the language better.

After passing the first Swedish paper, and missing registration for the second paper, I took the second paper a year later, attended 3 classes, and saw that the process had actually gotten worse, with the teacher cancelling classes because he wanted to go to a fair in northern sweden.

Having watched someone else go through the course system, have I often been bewildered at the strange expectations of some teachers, with criteria often being shifted for every student, or every activity. Information was poorly handed out, along with research projects which fail to develop a students knowledge on a subject adequately. Classes were changed on the morning, sometimes  within an hour of classes due to begin.

Teachers fail to take responsibility for their actions here, and there is very little control being implemented above them. 

Swedish schooling systems, especially here in Halmstad, need to improve, the quality of schooling is letting Swedish people down. The english schooling system, especially at higher levels, is much more structured and better organised here.

Its time Sweden looks outside its own borders and take onboard how things work in other countries....

Without a home I wander on

Searching for my holy grail

An endless search without succes

My hearts begun to pale

Civilisation passes through the night

As I lie here on this stone floor

Dreaming of your face that day

When you walked right out my door

An oasis that lies ahead

Offers to quench my thirst

When the mirage begins to disappear

The paleness inside is worse

Loneliness has become a friend

The only one I have

The one that can share my pain

While I walk this road I pave.

Well I guess it is time, a part of this blog is basically just to bitch on what I think is wrong, mostly with Sweden, but even the whole world as a society.

I guess I should begin with the thing that I deal with every day, and it could also be a bit of a controversial subject.

Foreigners, when they come to Sweden are expected to integrate into society, and at least make an effort to pull their own weight. Admittedly, the system lets them down a bit, with dodgy entry schooling, and an underlying current of racism, which exists no matter where you go, makes it difficult to be titled "Swedish".

Coming from a "european" country, I  have no problem looking like a swede/european, therefore, at least in physical appearance, can it be assumed that I can integrate better and be one of the "locals". But to settle in here, can be very difficult, people are not willing to chance on something they don't know. Sure there is interest in my land, and my background, but when it comes to education or life experience, comes  the problems.

But despite these problems, I've managed to get a job, and a good one, by emigrants standards, and I've managed to get a grip on the language within a few years, which, so I'm told, I should be very proud of.

So other foreigners, whats the problem? I've met people who have been here 20-30 years, and only know the very basic words "hit" "Gris?" and a few more, with much worse grammar than even I have (and mine can be pretty bad). Not to mention the cultural difference, that makes them appear very rude in their behaviour, which in turn can be quite hard not to feel offended. So I guess here comes the gripe, if these people can be here for such a long time, why can't they make the effort to learn Swedish? Sure its a difficult language, but having been here for so long, its hard to justify not learning the language. And herein lies the problem

Because these people stick within their communities, and don't venture out to broaden their horizons, they don't integrate into society, and therefore cannot be accepted into society. It is then, that they hold their hands up and say "I can't get a job" or "they hate us foreigners", and wonder why. Those who do venture out generally don't have a problem finding work, albeit that it is generally labouring work, or work requiring very little intellectual ability, or responsibility.

So in reality, its a vicious circle, the swedes don't want the foreigners, and the foreigners don't want to make the effort. So whose job is it to fix it?

Million dollar question.

I guess it needs to begin from when they first step off the ship (metaphorically speaking), if they're going to be accepted by the government, irrelevant of which land they are in, then they must be made to feel welcome, to be given every encouragement to not sit on social security, and to prove that they can bring some form of value to society, other than to just drain away others taxes.

Communities are great, and they are needed. As a New Zealander, I don't get much opportunity to build my own community of people around me, simply due to the lack of numbers of my type of people, both in Halmstad and in Sweden. In my time here, I have met three New Zealanders, and maybe 10 Australians. But for a foreigner to succeed in a new land, they must step outside that community, and drop that reliance on the community to pull them through, and support them. Independance is the key.

So, given that my job, and the nature and location of my job, entails that I will meet many frustrating people, it is to the future I look, where I hope that immigrants will try to blend into society a bit better, without selling out the image of who they are. A universal country, where background doesn't matter, because we all speak the same language, is vital for any country to be successful in the future, where globalisation is going to continue to dominate.

Well its sorta strange I guess, there's so much i wanna write about, but so little comes to my fingertips.

Training tonight went rather well, which I'm pleased about, its the first decent one I've had in a while, was almost late, as the exhaustion from work has finally caught up with me. Lots happening now, and most of it negative, but trying to turn it around and make my job that little bit easier. It's hard though when there are people whom you just can't rely on to do a good job. It's a source of high-stress just now, and something I need to remedy soon before it starts to create issues for me personally.

Asides from that, feeling reasonably relaxed, I slept the whole early evening (4 hours) so feel like I can wake up tomorrow and be ok.

 Hopefully tomorrow I can sit down and write something "bloglike" there's opinions I want to share, but today its getting too late, and I need to wake up in 6-7 hours.

The Whispering Deaths

Noises echo throughout my head
Whispering thoughts that bring such pain
Lead me to believe in dreams
That vanish, never seen again

These four walls draw ever nearer
In a corner I crouch and pray for peace
A window to bring in fresh air
So claustraphobia shall ever cease

I search for you to make me whole
And bring to me back eternal smiles
Saving me from my other self
And burning these char-blackened files

But till that day I wait in time
And dream of our firelit heath
That beats away the ghosts of mind
And brings defeat of my whispering death

There is one song that currently sits high in my list of "yeah I relate to that" and it is rather sad, because its a pop song, and I pride myself on my lack of pop culture that I entertain ;)

Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

The song reminds me of what I want to find in life, that person who I can just spend forever with and know that there is nothing that can destroy that.

Other songs, Staind - Zoe Jane, Staind - So Far Away, and of course, Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb, if you haven't heard these songs, find them.