I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearly four hours of waiting in the cold, I couldn't get mad, just sad.

I'm sad about everything. Even the fact I'm going away this week makes me sad. Simply because it adds stress, and makes me regret that I did something so rash. I'm no longer the person who acts first and thinks later, I'm more "doesn't act at all", because I've become afraid of the consequences.

And it's not her fault, most of it never was, and yes, I guess it's taken me 6 months of anger, crying, hating  and everything else to come to that conclusion, but I hit a wall, and I'm yet to get up, despite the trying.

Depression sucks, naturally, it's supposed to, if it didn't suck, everyone would do it . I have always had trouble battling it, along with lack of self-confidence, belief in my appearance, ability, personality and pretty much everything else that goes with it.

I know many who read this will just go "yeah yeah, it's just another sop story"  but it's not really. After one gets knocked down so many times, it becomes harder and harder to get up again. And still I lurch from one crisis to another. I can only remember one time in the past 2 years where I have been well and truly happy, and I would kill to have that back again.

Sitting in the car, waiting for my ride, I had plenty of time to think. A realisation (which I had known all along, but did my best to ignore) is that I can't keep continuing along this line, of not making ends meet, being sad all the time, struggling against everything and everyone to feel like I fit in. If I do, I won't make it to my 30th birthday, because it will all become to much again. Just like it did last year.

It feels safer noow, locking myself away a bit. I still socialise a little, but not very often, and I don't go out to town. Mostly because I've become a bit more reserved, I don't get asked out often either. But then that's to be expected.

Anyways, I have work at 6am tomorrow so I guess it's time to turn in for the night

I coulda formatted it so that it actually looked half decent, but I can't be fucked. I don't blog anymore because I'm empty, there's not really a lot to say. I feel useless and basically like a machine. It feels like the spirit is crushed now. I miss her, she was good for me, and she didn't REALLY do that much wrong, she even warned me that this would happen, and I chose not to believe. Some days I'm angry and bitter, others I'm just sad and helpless.

I miss my old life. I miss the optimism and innocence.

Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn

We both lie silently still in the
dead of the night. Although we
both lie close together we feel
miles apart inside. Was it
something I said or something I did? Did my
words not come out right? Though I
tried not to hurt you, though I
tried. But I guess that's why they say
ev'ry rose has its
thorn, just like
ev'ry night has its
dawn. Just like
ev'ry cowboy sings his
sad, sad song

ev'ry rose has its thorn.
listen to our favourite song paying on the radio hear the
D.J say love's a game of easy come and easy go. But I
wonder does he know, has he
ever felt like this? And I
know that you'd be right now if I
could've let you know somehow. I guess
ev'ry rose has its thorn, just like
ev'ry night has its
dawn. Just like
ev'ry cowboy sings his
sad, sad song

ev'ry rose has its thorn.
Though it's been a while now I can
still feel so much pain.
Like the knife thats cuts you, the wound heals,
but the scar, that scar remains
I know I could have saved our love that night if I'd
known what to say
Instead of making love we both
made our separate ways.

Now I hear you've found somebody new and
that I never meant that much to you.

To hear that tears me up inside and to
see you cuts me like a knife.

I guess
ev'ry rose has its
thorn, just like
ev'ry night has its
dawn. Just like
ev'ry cowboy sings his
sad, sad song

ev'ry rose has its thorn.

Holding you in my arms

As we laughed and danced and sang

Waking beside you each day

As the alarm on my telephone rang.

Happiness was my friend

I could never see you too soon

You were the light against my darkness

The flowers of summer were in bloom

Travelling here and there

Sharing secrets no one knew

Kissing me on the sofa

I started to fall for you

Ignoring all the warnings

That things were still awry

I could never bear to think the thought

That this could ever die

And I tried to make it work

All those gaps I tried to fill

Yet it did nothing really to prevent

The sun setting over the hills

Secrets became lies, lies became tears

As smiles turned to dread

And silence fills my rooms

The flowers of summer are now dead