Every step I take

Is a step towards the top

The light above is growing

With every little knowing

The ladder starts to split

And go two such different ways

And I stand in the middle

Where I wile away the days

There begins the voices

That tell me awful things

Whispering realities

That say that I have wings

Urging me to let go

And I'll fly up to the light
I let go of the ladder

And fall into the night.

Someone pointed out I hadn't written for a while. Main motivation behind that is that not a lot has gone right under the last few days, so haven't felt motivated to write anything.

Suppose I should start with the annoying thing.

Car broke down on Thursday, went in to get a damage assessment, and the exhaust system snapped, just behind the muffler, resulting in repairs of at least 4000 kronor. Having previously planned to book a trip to Paris on Dec 22, that is now cancelled.

Added to that, the girl who I always thought I would spend my life with, has, quite obviously, moved on. Having discussed the trip to Paris, it has been revealed that a trip to Thailand has taken precedence, with somebody else. Its not something I should be sad about, we broke up, and have somehow managed to stay on good terms.

Which brings me to the current problem. Someone whom I had been seeing has sorta withdrawn in a way, for reasons only known to her (or not). Its not something I understand, and I'm sad in a way.

All these events, not to mention constant ongoing work problems, which I just don't seem to get a handle on, have left me feeling pretty low. Confidence with the opposite sex has hit probably an all time low, I've no longer the desire to be social at all, and quite simply, I feel as isolated as if I was sitting in a world with no one here at all.

Often I find myself wishing I was back to where I was just a little over a year ago, when things felt good, but one can't turn back time, no matter how much I want to.

I'm not sure what to do with my future anymore. Everything seemed so clear cut when I first arrived in Sweden, and everything has become diluted and beginning to disappear. I know that my father gave away his dreams at a young age, much younger than my age now, and I can only wonder what that felt like to him, but for me its just a feeling of emptiness.

So where to from here? Who knows? Definitely not me. Will wake up tomorrow and see what tomorrow brings.....